Welcome to SingaSaints  -  the Singapore Southampton FC Supporters Club!  No glory hunters, no Beckham fans, no skates!                                  "I see other clubs with bigger and better stadiums and more finances but they have not got the warmth this club has got." Gordon Strachan                                  "We may not be the best but we feel like the best. The future is red and white." SingaSaint Zul

JOKES & QUOTES

Classic Footy Quotes

  1. "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." David Acfield

  2. "I was watching the Blackburn game on tv on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George N'dah had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing." Ade Akinbiyi

  3. "Hard and low... over the bar." George Andrews

  4. "Swindon Town 3 Port Vale 1, and Swindon are back in it." George Andrews

  5. "It's Wandering Wayne, it would be Jinking Jimmy if his name was Jimmy, but it isn't, it's Wayne." George Andrews

  6. "Welcome to Friends Provident St Mary's Stadium for the quarter-final of the FA Cup - games don't get any bigger than this." Announcer

  7. "My theory is if you're 2-0 down you have to score 3 to win the match." Anonymous

  8. "If you don't have any goals in life, you'll end up running up and down the field without ever scoring." Anonymous

  9. "He's only a foot away from the linesman - or should I say a metre, in modern parlance." Jimmy Armfield

  10. "He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it, you can see it all over their faces." Ron Atkinson

  11. "Beckenbauer really has gambled all his eggs." Ron Atkinson

  12. "The Spaniards have been reduced to aiming aimless balls into the box." Ron Atkinson

  13. "I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." Ron Atkinson

  14. "Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve." Ron Atkinson

  15. "I wouldn't say David Ginola is the best left-winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." Ron Atkinson

  16. "I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way." Ron Atkinson

  17. "An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal." Dave Bassett

  18. "I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley... unless somebody knocks us out." Dave Bassett

  19. "My parents have been there for me ever since I was about seven." David Beckham

  20. Asked if it is fair to describe him as a volatile player: "Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and occasionally on the left side." David Beckham

  21. "I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet." David Beckham

  22. "Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had." David Beckham

  23. "I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars - the rest I just squandered." George Best

  24. "In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol - it was the worst 20 minutes of my life." George Best

  25. "I want to be remembered for my football and the pleasure I gave people." George Best

  26. "That's what children do - throw food - that's not fighting. We were real men - we'd have chinned them." George Best on the Man Utd v. Arsenal tunnel brawl

  27. "We had to bang a few heads together, which must have been the kick up the backside we needed." Marc Bircham

  28. It's Northern Ireland v. Republic of Ireland in a World Cup qualifier. "We'll be wearing green with white stripes and they'll wear white with green stripes." Danny Blanchflower (NI manager)

  29. "It's end to end stuff, but from side to side." Trevor Brooking

  30. "That's football, Mike, Northern Ireland have had several chances and haven't scored but England have had no chances and scored twice!" Trevor Brooking

  31. "Martin Keown is up everybody's backsides." Trevor Brooking

  32. "Believe it or not, goals can change a game." Mick Channon

  33. "You are live on Channel 4, please do not swear." to Mick Channon

  34. "Hagi could open a tin of beans with his left foot." Ray Clemence

  35. "When you look at Asa's [Hartford] background, when they discovered he had a hole in his heart, ever since he's had that news he seems to have become a harder worker than ever, he really powers through the game, a genuine whole-hearted player!" David Coleman

  36. "I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester." Stan Collymore

  37. "Johnson has revelled in the hole behind Dwight Yorke." Commentator

  38. "...and there was Keegan, like a surgeon's knife - bang!" Commentator

  39. "And we'll have more football later, but first highlights of the Scottish League Cup Final." Commentator

  40. Peter Crouch misses a sitter. "Crouch was perhaps distracted by a female stick insect." Commentator

  41. "Jamie Redknapp has been pulled off by his dad." Commentator at Cobblers-Saints FA Cup game

  42. "That shot missed the goal by a coat of paint." Will Cope

  43. "Football's football. If it wasn't then it wouldn't be the game that it is." Garth Crooks

  44. "I think I was 5ft 9in at birth." Peter Crouch

  45. "And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0." Ian Dark

  46. "I am very excited to be here [at Saints] and I cannot wait to get going." Agustin Delgado

  47. "I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." Mark Draper

  48. "If you're 0-0 down, there's no one better to get you back on terms than Ian Wright." Robbie Earle

  49. "I'm as happy as I can be... but I have been happier." Ugo Ehiogu

  50. In a television interview after England drew with Greece: "I think Beckham won that game for us!" Sven-Goran Ericksson

  51. "I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football." Les Ferdinand

  52. "Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead." Tom Ferrie

  53. "What I said to them at half-time would be unprintable on the radio." Gerry Francis

  54. "I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." Paul Gascoigne

  55. "They have got their feet on the ground and if they stay that way they will go places." John Gidman

  56. "I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." Johnny Giles

  57. "We signed to play until the day we died, and we did." Jimmy Greaves

  58. "Let's close our eyes and see what happens." Jimmy Greaves

  59. "We're really the victims of our own problems." Jimmy Greaves

  60. "In comparison, there's no comparison." Ron Greenwood

  61. "Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales." Ron Greenwood

  62. "Football's not like an electric light. You can't just flick the switch and change from quick to slow." John Greig

  63. "The dramatic decline of Sol Campbell continues: he is set to sign for Portsmouth." The Guardian

  64. "What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?" Stuart Hall

  65. "Keegan fills Schmeichel's gap with Seaman" Headline

  66. "Sometimes in football you have to score goals." Thierry Henry

  67. "There's Ray Clemence looking as cool as ever out in the cold." Jimmy Hill

  68. "He [Beckham] has two feet, which a lot of players don't have nowadays." Jimmy Hill

  69. "What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents' goal." Jimmy Hill

  70. "At 23, he ought to be around until 2006, if he can keep his head." Glenn Hoddle

  71. "The minute's silence was immaculate. I have never heard a minute's silence like that." Glenn Hoddle

  72. "The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee." Mike Ingham

  73. "He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head." Derek Johnstone

  74. "The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch, even on a sunny day." Chris Jones

  75. "The pitch is the same size, the goals don't move, the ball is the same and you start off with a point." Dave Jones

  76. "Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win." Vinny Jones

  77. "It wasn't an easy chance, but it was a simple chance." Chris Kamara

  78. "You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw." Kevin Keegan

  79. "Bobby Robson must be thinking of throwing some fresh legs on." Kevin Keegan

  80. "Batistuta is very good at pulling off defenders." Kevin Keegan

  81. "I don't think there is anybody bigger or smaller than Maradona." Kevin Keegan

  82. "He's using his strength and that is his strength, his strength." Kevin Keegan

  83. "That would've been a goal if it hadn't been saved." Kevin Keegan

  84. "Over the course of a season, you'll get goals that are good disallowed and you'll get disallowed goals that are good." Kevin Keegan

  85. "Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice." Kevin Keegan

  86. "It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket - every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card." Kevin Keegan

  87. "England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second-to-none." Kevin Keegan

  88. "The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful." Kevin Keegan

  89. "Whoever wins today will win the championship no matter who wins." Denis Law

  90. "It's like the Sea of Galilee - the two defenders just parted." Mark Lawrenson

  91. "We're here for a good time, not a long time." Matt Le Tissier

  92. "There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between." Gary Lineker

  93. "Germany are a very difficult team to play. They had 11 internationals out there today." Steve Lomas

  94. "I don't want to go to Portsmouth or any other club that has no ambitions." Benni McCarthy

  95. "Mirandinha will have more shots this afternoon than both sides put together." Malcolm McDonald

  96. "Joe Harvey once said to me: 'I've got a special job for you today. I want to see how fast their centre-forward can limp.'" John McGrath

  97. "An ideal team consists of 4 violinists and 7 road-sweepers." Lawrie McMenemy

  98. "And the news from Guadalajara where the temperature is 96 degrees, is that Falcao is warming up." Bobby Moore

  99. "The game is balanced in Arsenal's favour." John Motson

  100. "For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are the ones in the yellow shirts." John Motson

  101. "The Brazilians were South American, but the Ukranians will be more European." Phil Neville

  102. "We've got to pull up our socks over both legs of the UEFA Cup." Brett Ormerod

  103. "If you just came into the room and didn't know who was who, you'd obviously say Newcastle looked the most likely to score." Terry Paine

  104. "Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere along the road, their ship went off the rails." Richard Park

  105. "I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." Stuart Pearce

  106. "I think that France, Germany, Spain, Holland and England will join Brazil in the semi-finals." Pele

  107. "The boss says that games in hand are no good unless you turn them into points. What he's getting at is that games in hand aren't much good unless you turn them into points." David Platt

  108. "Murphy was unselfish, but I feel he should have shot himself." David Pleat

  109. "Stoichkov is pointing at the bench with his eyes." David Pleat

  110. "If that ball had crossed the line, it would have been a goal." Antonio Rattin

  111. "We've got one stand louder than your ground!" Reading fans, replying to their Manchester United counterparts who had sung: "We've got one stand larger than your ground."

  112. "He's a two-legged tripod, if you know what I mean." Graham Richards

  113. "He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself, nobody will catch him." Bobby Robson

  114. "He never fails to hit the target, but that was a miss." Bobby Robson

  115. "We lost because we didn't win." Ronaldo

  116. "It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked." Richard Rufus

  117. "I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country." Ian Rush

  118. "I played football with Bradley Wright-Phillips once, but he nicked the ball off me." Saints fan

  119. "You only get one chance of an England debut." Alan Shearer

  120. "One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." Alan Shearer

  121. "I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life and hopefully after that as well." Alan Shearer

  122. "You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out." Peter Shilton

  123. "I've seen teams suck, but we were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked." Homer Simpson

  124. "You tell me if there is anyone else in football by the name of Rupert." Graeme Souness

  125. "If you don't believe you can win, there's no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." Neville Southall

  126. "He'll be giving everything, but he hasn't got everything to give." Ian St John

  127. "Attention Mr blah blah, your wife has phoned and requested that you call her IMMEDIATELY, repeat IMMEDIATELY." Tannoy announcement after 50 minutes

  128. "Reading just had a great five-man move that involved everyone." Phil Thompson

  129. "If history is going to repeat itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." Terry Venables

  130. Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?" "I think it's fifty - fifty." Terry Venables

  131. "I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." Barry Venison

  132. "The Newcastle back three, back four, back five have been at sixes and sevens." Barry Venison

  133. "I wouldn't be bothered if we lost every game, as long as we win the league." Mark Viduka

  134. "He had all the time in the world to kill a few seconds." Paul Wade

  135. "Unfortunately we keep kicking ourselves in the foot." Ray Wilkins

  136. "Ronaldo is always very close to being onside or offside." Ray Wilkins

  137. "That was an inch perfect pass to no one." Ray Wilkins

  138. "Manchester United have hit the ground running - albeit with a 3-0 defeat." Bob Wilson

  139. "Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals." Peter Withe

  140. "Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough." Jonathan Woodgate

  141. "It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up." Ian Wright

  142. "Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match." Ian Wright

    Classic quotes by Gordon Strachan

Watching Footy With A Woman

Whenever I watch football with a woman I get the same old questions each time...

"Which colour are we?"

"Which way are we kicking?"

"We lost last week, didn't we get knocked out of the league?"

"Who's that man in the black?" (aimed towards the referee)

"Who's playing?"

"Which way are we kicking?" (second time)

"How can Wayne Rooney play for Man Utd AND England?"

"Which way are we kicking?" (third time)

"Are they allowed to kick each other like that?" (after a perfectly good tackle)

"Which way are we kicking?" (fourth time)

jawillwill

Sammy Lee & Billy Davies

Sammy Lee (Bolton) and Billy Davies (Derby) are interviewed by Chris Kamara on Sky Sports:-

Q. "Billy, what are your aims in this first year as a Prem manager?"

A. "Consolidation really, you know, pick up a few points from other struggling teams and maybe stay up."

Q. "And you Sammy?"

A. "Win the Prem, FA Cup, Carling Cup followed by the Champions League next season."

Q. "Do you not think you are being a little unrealistic Sammy?"

A. "Well Billy started it!"

SaintlySoccerette

Marian Pahars

Marian walks into a pub, pinches a girl's arse and says, "Hello darling, you gonna come back to mine for a cuddle?"

"Oh" she replies, "you're a little forward!"

FEZZA

Harry Redknapp

Harry Redknapp collapsed this afternoon at his local bank. When he finally came round he asked the staff, "Where am I?" The member of staff replied, "The Nationwide."

Fareham Saint

Cristiano Ronaldo


Worst Footy Joke Ever?

Man United's Old Trafford Stadium had to be evacuated after a fire took place in the trophy room. The fire brigade investigation led them to believe it was suspicious.

Police have since announced they believe it to be Arsene.

LittleLat17

Puzzles

David Beckham runs into Victoria and shouts, "Victoria Victoria look look, I have just finished Brooklyn's puzzles in only 3 hours."

"What's the big deal?" says Victoria.

David then says, "Well it says 3 years on the box."

Terry Hamer

Rude Words

Rude words from 'fratton park' and 'portsmouth':

fart
krap
mouth
rat
tospot
tout
tart
portsmouth

LastMinuteHughie

Man Ure Jokes

Q: How many Man U fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb, one to buy the 2002 Light Bulb Changing Commemorative T-shirt and Video, and one to drive the other two back to Torquay.

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled the latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Man U players on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on!

Q: If you see a Man U fan on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a Man U fan from Manchester, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they spot a $100 note at the same time. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk of course - the other three don't really exist.

Q: What do you have when 100 Man U fans are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What is the difference between a Man U fan and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

Q: Why do women hate sleeping with Man U fans?
A: 'Cos they perform crap for 90 minutes, score twice in 2 minutes and think they're the best in the world.

anonymous

Saints-P*mpey I

This fella walks into a bar, buys a drink and notices that there's a small dog laid on the floor with its ear to a radio...

The fella thinks nothing of it until the dog leaps up and does a back somersault...

"What the ....?" thinks the bloke and asks the landlord what that was all about...

"Don't worry, he's listening to the Saints v. Pompey commentary on the radio and Saints have scored. They're 1-0 up..."

Fair enough thinks the fella...

Then later on the dog leaps up and does a double back somersault, with tuck...

"What the ....?" thinks the bloke and asks the landlord what was that one all about...

"Don't worry, Saints have just scored again, they're 2-0 up..."

The fella asks the landlord what happens if Pompey score?

The landlord replies...






wait for it...






"I don't know, I've only had him ten years."

gingerone

Saints-P*mpey II

It is just before Southampton vs Portsmouth in an important south-coast derby. Southampton need the points to keep their place in Europe on track and Portsmouth need the points to help them with their relegation battle. James Beattie goes into the Southampton changing room to find all his team-mates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game," said Doddsy. "We know it's important but it's only Portsmouth. They're shit and we can't be bothered!"

Beattie looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So James Beattie goes out to play Portsmouth by himself and the rest of the Southampton team go off down the pub for a few beers.

After a few pints the Southampton players wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. Everyone in the pub lets out a big loud cheer as the screen reads:

SOUTHAMPTON 1-0 PORTSMOUTH
Beattie 8

He is beating Portsmouth all by himself!

Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until Marian Pahars suddenly remembers that the game must've finished by now. "It must be full-time now, let's see how he got on!" They put the teletext on.

SOUTHAMPTON 1-1 PORTSMOUTH
Beattie 8, Burchil 90

Everyone lets out a big cheer! The Southampton players can't believe it, he has single-handedly got a draw against Portsmouth!!!

They rush back to St Mary's Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his kit, sat with his head in his hands looking very gutted!

"What's up?" asks Anders.

Beattie refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Portsmouth, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end! You should be proud of yourself!"

"No, no, I have! I've let you down!!! I got sent off after 10 minutes!!!"

saintly

The Million-Dollar Question

Sir Alex Ferguson is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" and has reached the million-dollar question. The host says, "Right Sir Alex, this is for one million dollars, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time. Here's your question: "What type of animal lives in a set? Is it

a) a badger
b) a ferret
c) a mole or
d) a cuckoo?"

Fergie ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50." The host says, "Let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with." "Badger" and "cuckoo" are the two remaining answers. Fergie has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

"So who are you going to call, Sir Alex?" asks the host. "Hmm..." ponders Fergie, "I think I'll call David Beckham." So the host phones David Beckham. "David, this is 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?' I've got Sir Alex Ferguson here, and with your help he could win one million dollars. The next voice you hear will be Sir Alex's". "Hello David," says Fergie, "it's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss," says Becks without hesitation.

"You sure, son?" says Fergie.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right," says Fergie, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger. Final answer."

"Sir Alex," says the host, "that's the correct answer. You've won one million dollars!!!" Cue wild celebrations.

Next morning at training, Fergie calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the hell did you know that a badger lives in a set?" says Fergie.

"Oh I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "but everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock."

CASaint

The Crap Group

The England team are at the World Cup draw eagerly waiting to learn their fate. With the draw completed, England find to their horror they are drawn with Brazil, France and Nigeria. Captain David Beckham smiles and re-assures the team, "It's ok lads, I'll get some advice from me missus, she has experience of being in a crap group."

Hammerman

The Jump

David Beckham and Victoria were watching the evening news and it showed a bloke threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge. Victoria says I bet you £50,000 he jumps and David says you’re on. She says no I can’t take it off you, I saw the news at dinner time and he jumped. So did I, says David, but I didn’t think he’d do it twice.

anonymous

A Scouser, a Manc & a skate

A Liverpool fan, a Man U fan and a skate are all sharing a prison cell and are wearing their respective team's shirt. (The skate is obviously getting a lot of attention from the long-term prisoners with the fetching love design on his shirt.)

Anyway the Scouser says that he really wished he hadn't worn his LFC shirt to court as the judge was an Everton fan and gave him 5 years for stealing hub caps, adding he was lucky he didn't cause any damage to the car or else he would have added an extra 5 years.

This prompts the Man U fan to pipe up saying he too regrets wearing his shirt to court as the judge was a Man City fan and gave him 10 years for smoking cannabis in public, adding he was lucky it wasn't a harder drug he was in possession of as he would have given him an extra 5 years.

Finally the skate admits that he too wished he hadn't worn his shirt to court as the judge was a Saints fan, who gave him 20 years for riding his bike without lights, adding that he would have got an extra 5 years if it had been dark!!!

ericofarabia

The Lonely Boy

Victoria Beckham decides to help benefit the community and begins a job as a primary school counsellor. One day during break time she notices a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoy a game of football at the other end.

Knowing a little bit about football through her marriage she decides to have a conversation with him. So she approaches and asks if he's alright, in the knowledge that if he wasn't she could talk to him about the game.

The boy says he's just fine. A little while later however she notices the boy is in the same spot, still by himself, watching the game.

Approaching again, Victoria said, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The boy hesitates, then says, "Ok," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she is making progress, she asks, "Why are you standing here alone?" "Because," the little boy says with great exasperation, "I'm the goalkeeper, now will you leave me alone?"

anonymous

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