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MRS LOWE WRITES
23rd May 2005
My dearest darlings Maximilian, Xavier and Tinkerbell,
Just a quick note to keep you up to date with all the latest news from back here in Hampshire... Daddy and I miss you terribly and will certainly fly out to visit you all at half-term... oh how we miss your cherry red faces.
The academic reports from your school have been wonderful... 'Well done' Tinkers darling for the charity work (one does what one can) and it looks like Max is as good a short corner taker as his father... super stuff... Oh and 'good luck' Xavier with the school play... a budding thespian! Hoorah!
No news from here really, although its been hectic a-go-go with Daddy simply tearing his hair out with work... I think there's been some sort of trouble at the factory, you know how it gets with workers... (we never did find you a decent nanny after that lovely Glenda upped sticks and went to live with the Goldbergs in London).
The new shopfloor manager, Mr Redknapp, is from nearby (Bournemouth I seem to recall) and seems to be itching to go... he does seem very nice and offered me three hundred pounds for the piano (please find enclosed... but don't tell Daddy). He also found me a couple of lamps for the spare room.
Summer is almost upon us and that means the thwack of leather on willow for most members of the SFC board, plus Daddy will have more time to spend in the garden with the staff and I think we're having Elton John over for drinks on the lawn one evening (v. excited) and then maybe a few days in Barbados as always (zzzz).
The Cowens were thinking of Mauritius but it's so over-rated these days and you know how Andrew simply hates the flies.
Anyway... must dash... the man from Vodaphone (in Basingstoke) is coming round to fix a socket. Hope he knows his way to Romsey.
Take care and look after one another.
With love,
Mummy xxxxxxx
PS The Coopers are coming back from wherever it is, Tenerife I think... Terry said he's tired of running a European operation from abroad... strange... I thought they'd retired and gone to live out there years ago.
PPS extra-large tuck box on its way!
by stjoao
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Tinkers replies:
Dearest Mummy,
Thanks so for the note, the porter in the lower school has been very rude about Papa and says something about my allowance being cut just because some silly footie team has been thrown out of some thingyme bub - well it's not on!
Portia Abramovich has a string of ponies, a yacht and a collection of clothes to die for and her daddy does the same job as Papa doesn't he?
Good to hear the Coopers are still active - thought they'd passed on!
Love
Tinkers
PS send cash not tuck - slimming for the Hurlingham Ball
by London Nick
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Xavier replies:
Yo Mama - Xavi here.
Things at school have got really heavy. The dudes just don't appreciate my role as a class warrior. The teachers keep pushing like their version of 'history' and my home boys keep saying Daddy's a toff.
I keep telling them that The Man is a working class hero. Look at all those crowds clapping him every week at the stadium. You can't buy Friends like that.
And he's had to struggle so hard to get where he is. I mean he's still on a salary isn't he? Hasn't got 'private means' or anything like most of the boys' fathers. How working class can you get? But Tarquin says we've sold out to 'the corporates' and he won't take me to Glastonbury with him now. I said Daddy got rid of Big Mac years ago, but he won't listen.
Can you get a few crates of Coca Cola for me? I think Tarquin likes it more than Carling anyway.
X
by Ken Tone
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Mr Lowe writes:
Dear children,
Pursuant to your mother's note dated 23rd May 2005, I hereby confirm we are flying out to see you at half-term.
Papa has been busy at work and unable to write - pray forgive.
There have been some redundancies at the company, but nothing alarming or surprising - many companies are downsizing these days.
The manager, Mr Redknapp, is retained. He came to us highly recommended, having had much success in the industry - apparently he helped the company where he last worked to do a booming trade in caravan accessories.
The assistant manager, Uncle Jim, is leaving - he always tried his best to beat me at golf, well no longer!
Our longest-serving employee - the one who dresses as Santa - was spotted by the customers smoking and drinking. But he swears he does so only when off-duty and never prior to when our product goes on display. We are loathe to sack him as he is on meagre wages and has never once complained!
The customers don't seem to like our latest product. What's not to like? We play in a league next season as we did last season - a league's a league's a league!
We have upgraded our product so the customers can enjoy a hefty 21% more games next season, thus gaining an advantage on the company next door which continue to offer 38 games.
We are changing the exhibition spaces too - one would have thought the customers would greatly appreciate a change of surroundings - but no, they are 'unaccustomed' to it!
Perhaps we should wean them off this nasty game where one strikes the ball with a part of one's anatomy to one where gentlemen strike the ball with a stick!
The customers say we are selling a defective product. Some of them even have the temerity to ask for a refund, but we have stoutly resisted. What will they ask for next if we gave in to them? A seat on the board?
I wish the customers would consider the sacrifices I have to make for their sake e.g. next season I shall have to sit with them (albeit I in the directors' box and they on the terraces) twice a week instead of just the once!
Whereas our main product is unpopular with the customers, the junior version continues to go down a treat! Indeed 'Junior' recently won a prize in one category and narrowly lost out in another. Anatoly-come-lately offered two million pounds for Theo Walcott and I was ready to 'bite his hand off' but Andrew said no - the customers would never let us hear the end of it if we sold him!
The customers have had a lot to say lately - it's bad luck having red sleeves on our uniform, we mustn't re-decorate the store in blue, we employ too many Scandinavians... I prefer Scandinavians myself as I know Max does (don't tell Mummy though).
Do have a word Tinkers darling with Portia Abramovich about putting what can't fit in her piggy bank in our company. Ask her why her father and brother should be having all the fun? Girls - like Aunt Delia - can run a company just as well as boys. Lovely Portia can have a lovely dollhouse with lovely Corinthians dolls - there's Crouchie (out of stock but we have ordered some more) and Jamie and Quashie and Antti and Henri... no, Beattie's gone I'm afraid.
Tell Portia to whisper in daddy's ear if we can have Wayne Bridge back - the customers are quite fixated on him for some unfathomable reason! (It might help if you tell Portia she looks like her mother - although it is painfully clear where she got her looks.)
As for the rude porter that said your allowance will be cut in half, why Papa would never do such a thing to Papa's little girl! Is he perchance that ex-sailor we encountered on your first day at school? Can't remember how he looks but oh the body odour!
Papa has done very well in the stock market lately. Papa has engineered a clever plan which has quite succeeded, which has resulted in Papa buying several rafts of company stock at the hitherto unheard of price of 20p - thus increasing his stranglehold! A few customers saw through Papa's plan however - one would have thought they would be grateful for the opportunity to increase their shareholdings for a song - but no, moans and more moans! Bloody arseholes!
Apply your utmost to every endeavour children, and make Daddy and Mummy proud! We will not have our children upstaged by the offspring of that Roman character and Milan whatshisname!
More when we meet. Must dash for Pakistan-India, the match I've been waiting for all year!
Hugs and kisses,
Papa
by Singapore Saint
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