09-12-05
Pre-historic basset hound 
Modern-day bassett hound
You couldn't tell looking at him could you? We took in a stray... but it bit the hand that fed it
New seating at St Mary's Stadium
Plot Messy, complicated, unpredictable, full of twists and turns, tragedy (on pitch), comedy (off pitch)
Tagline How Lowe can you get?
Actors Rupert Lowe, Sir Clive Woodward, Harry Redknapp, Milan Mandaric
Supporting Cast Simon Clifford, Dave Bassett, Kevin Bond, Saints fans, the FA
Cameos Glenn Hoddle, Alain Perrin, Neil Warnock, Lawrie Sanchez, Andrew Cowan
Location South Coast of England
Memorable Lines
Rupert Lowe
"When a club takes another's manager they should pay up the unexpired portion of the contract."
Harry Redknapp
"I do not see that I was the person that took Southampton down and I will never accept that. They were down before I took it." [Editor. Redknapp brought in 5 of his own players either signings or loans and was in charge for over half the season.]
"Southampton want compensation but Portsmouth can't speak to Lowe as he is out shooting ducks all of Monday."
"The last year has been the worst of my life and that is no exaggeration."
"I made a monumental mistake walking out of Fratton Park and a day hasn't passed since I left the ground for the last time that I didn't regret my decision."
"I knew the moment I was unveiled at the press conference at St Mary's that I had made the biggest mistake in my career."
Milan Mandaric
"I don't know what game he [Lowe] is talking about. Is it hockey, rugby or football?"
"If he loves Harry then he should keep him there, if he doesn't love him then send him back to me!"
"We have to look elsewhere. We are not going to screw around with Lowe, he's too busy today (Monday) hunting the ducks, which is more important to him than football activities so I'm not getting involved in that."
Simon Clifford
"I felt like bloody Beelzebub."
"I was a bit isolated. Clive would tell me that it's one metre forward and 0.95 metres backwards, but I thought I'm not spending the next 15 years surrounded by bull****."
"I imagined people knew why I was coming, but when I got there we had a coaches' meeting and people like Dave Bassett were saying, 'What's he do?' They thought I was a ball juggler providing the half-time entertainment."
"Bassett was the antithesis of the type of guy who should be working with me. I felt he was going out of his way to belittle me so I stood my ground."
No animals were hurt in this production except maybe for some ducks. Based entirely on a true story and the characters are sadly all too real.
